Monday, February 22, 2010

A lesson in faith!

So this past week I got a little lesson in faith. I am a little nervous to share because my emotions are pretty raw right now, but since this blog is intended to be a journal here we go.
I found out this past week that I did not get into a nursing program I had my heart set on. I had made all the plans. Had my summer all planned out around it you get the picture. When I got the news I was devastated to say the least. I spent about two days crying my eyes out and all of those negative self defeating thought came into my head. Thank heavens for a wonderful husband and a Mom that I could cry to. I spent hours putting myself down and wondering if this is really what I am meant to do. I feel in my heart I am meant to be a nurse, but them when I have to take a Math test I freeze. When I originally applied to this school I wasn't sure if it was the right program for me so I took the attitude that if it was meant to be everything would work out. I literally turned it over to the Lord to direct me. I still believe the Heavenly Father has a hand in this and there is a reason. I am not sure what the reason is, but I am okay with that. My confidence is a little shaken and it will take me some time to gear up again, but I will continue on. As I was balling my eyes out last week all I could think of was what others would think of me. When does it ever end? I am 40 years old and still worry what others will think of my perceived failures. All I could focus in on was the "failures" maybe it's not the failures we should focus on but the journey and lessons learned along the way. I don't know what exactly is in store for me, but I will continue on with faith. I hope to always learn from the journey. As I sat in my house feeling sorry for myself I thought if only I had someone to talk to you. Just a good neighbor friend to go cry to. It was a lonely feeling and maybe I need to learn that there are others around me that need that friend. Is it possible that I need to tune into the spirit to be there for someone else? So many lessons to learn.

Not to ramble anymore, but some of you know I adore Hillary Weeks. My sister Kari told me about her blog and so I have become somewhat of a creeper and look at it once in awhile. In one of her posts she talks about recording everyday "how she saw the hand of the Lord in her life each day" I love that. Maybe I should take her advice and concentrate on the many blessings I have in my life. Time to let the negative thinking go and find joy in the journey!

6 comments:

Km said...

Love you!

Kerstin said...

Oh Ang, I'm so sorry. I have felt the same disappointment of believing so strongly you are supposed to do something and had life hand you something different. I have also felt that "I wish I had a friend to talk to". It is so funny as adults that we forget how to have friends, we get busy with life and kids and don't nuture those relationships. You can always hop the fence and come talk to me! Hang in there. During trials it's always so hard to accept them and know that there is a lesson. You'll be in my prayers, *big hugs*

gmakathy said...

I remember one time reading that life is a journey...not a destination. That can be said about just about anything that happens in life. It doesn't matter how we get to the outcome as long as we learn everything we can on the journey. We each have our own lessons to learn along our own journey. You'll figure out what your lesson is...just be open to it. Remember the Lord loves you and knows "the whole picture".
I love you too...

Joni Marie Marshall said...

No matter what, I think you are amazing ...... you are in my prayers. I'm sorry it didn't go how you wanted it to. Those experiences seem especially hard. Please let me know if I can do anything for you ... and really, you are amazing.

Jer + Lu said...

How frustrating! After all the hard work + challenges you've overcome... how crummy. Hang in there girl! There's something great out there for you ;)

Jen said...

So sorry, Angie! I know how hard you have worked towards this goal. We have so much to catch up on. Wish I were closer...I would've let ya cry on my shoulder! Love you.